My Lifestory/Testimony

Firstly,

I want to start by saying, I would not still be here if it weren't for God. God's grace saved my life in more ways than one. He carried me through the trenches, through the darkest valleys and if it were not for him, I never would have survived long enough to see the light of day.

I was adopted at a few months old, my birth mom was in and out of rehab, and my birth father was an absentee parent. I was adopted only not legally by another family altogether.

As some can say, "I wanted for nothing," for the most part. I always had food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over my head, and a bed to lay at night. I had what I thought at the time, was an amazing loving, devoted, God-fearing family who took me in, calling me their own. If it weren't for me being taken in by a different family, I probably never would have received the proper education and/or have been as sheltered which would have made me more vulnerable and susceptible. In the end, abuse still transpired but who knows if it would have been far worse. Maybe, I would have gone down an even worse path, like turning to drugs and more alcohol to cope.

Fast forward, several years later, in September 2004 specifically Hurricane Ivan devasted my hometown. Two days after one of the worst traumatic experiences of my life, I was ripped away from my home, the only place I had known my whole life, my friends had no idea if I made it through the storm or not as communication was cut by phone lines being dead and power outages.

So, as I was saying, two days after that Category 4 or 5 hurricane, my adoptive father sent for me and my twin sister. We flew out of Cayman and went to South Florida where he then resided.

Two weeks went by, I caught one of the worst cases of chicken pox. All of my siblings who lived in Florida also caught it. Thankfully, I was rid of it just before my 13th birthday but Vanessa wasn't so lucky. For 5 months, we were out of school. Finally, we were registered and attended Seminole Middle, repeating year 8 as we had missed so much time from school due to the hurricane and being uprooted.

It was a culture shock for sure, I got made fun of for my strong Caribbean accent, so much so that I changed the way I spoke eventually. I went through a deep depression, crying myself to sleep many nights, wanting to just go back home to what I've known and to the people I missed and loved.

It was definitely, a defining moment in my life.

I developed really poor coping mechanisms and bad habits as a result.

I started staying up all hours of the night, chatting online with my friends and family back home, becoming an insomniac. I would eat late hours and then immediately go to bed with that food sitting on my stomach. So eventually, I put on an insane amount of weight, becoming overweight.

I went from an active lifestyle to a very sedentary one. I became someone I no longer recognized nor did I care to.

I developed high anxiety alongside my depression. Eventually, it led me to being socially awkward, highly awkward to the point where my twin sister didn't want to take me anywhere she went.

I did not drive independently until 2018 when I finally obtained my license. I didn't finish my GED until 2011 after becoming a high school dropout at 17. Then in 2016, I finally attended college for the first time.

In 2009, I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type I after being on medication for years, not knowing why, not being properly informed as to why, I was forced to take antipsychotic medication but only now, there was an "official" reason behind it. After trial and error, several medications later, I was finally "balanced" out. At first, I was so sick very often that I missed much of school and couldn't stay out of the bathroom because of how upset my stomach would get. Eventually, I did a round of bloodwork because of my symptoms and found that the medication I was on caused my white blood cell count to become dangerously low, so my psychiatrist at the time removed one of the medications because it was a lethal combination that I was prescribed.

These mental, physical, and internal struggles caused me to fall behind in school which led to my dropping out altogether. I had officially become a failure at just 17 y/o. My family would be so disappointed were the thoughts that came to mind but my doctor told me it was in my best interest to drop out and look after my mental health.

What would happen soon after, was an internal struggle. I lacked stability for such a long time and had a lot of highs and lows, ups and downs. Hardly ever was I "stable." I became numb from the medication, like a zombie, and was nearing 200 lbs for my height, I was obese. I hated what I saw in the mirror. Not to mention the suicidal ideations and thoughts that often plagued my mind on and off. I was baker-acted more than I can count on one hand. Voluntarily but more often involuntarily. It was very hard to trust anyone, let alone my own family who often were dishonest about the way they would treat me during an episode. Often, this made me question my reality as if I was not already grappling with it.

I was emotionally abused, at one point, not of my recollection, sexually abused as well.

My mind protected me by wiping that from my memory. However, I often wonder if it's a bigger part of my developing BP-I. As horrific as it would be, I desperately wish to recall what happened to me as a little girl because only then can I truly heal, and only then can I truly take my power back.

More recently, I was hit with a severe depressive episode, not wanting to be here on earth anymore.

God brought me out of it within a matter of a day which is HUGE for me. Normally, I remain in that state for weeks, maybe even months but somehow, he carried me through. For that, I owe him my life. I will honor him and praise him in all of the ways I can. God gave me my zest for life back after it was taken from me. If he can do this for me, he can do that and more for you too!

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #itsokaynottobeokay #faith #testimony #JesusSaves

#menyal