June 19, 2021 - 11:56am

Numb yet feeling everything all at once.

It stings then it dissipates until the next resurfacing

Trapped, I feel so stuck in my past and present pain.

I’m screaming from the inside but no one is listening.

They hear me but they’re not listening.

Hidden, The real me is hidden away, terrified to come near the light.

She’s gotten a taste of what freedom feels like

It comes with a price:

Lose the life you knew for the life you dream of,

It means losing everyone you’ve tried to keep close,

It’s a losing battle, an uphill battle.

I stumble, I fall, even crawl

This darkness is scary but it’s familiar

Don’t shoot the messenger.

Seen, not heard, quiet like a bird

only no one truly sees me.

Caught in this cat and mouse race,

Where unavailable men love the chase.

Once you let them catch you, they trash you.

Only still keeping their grasp on you,

Keeping you close enough where you don’t stray

You want to flee but you stay.

fighting the war in your mind

Thinking, fighting the committee, all the time.

It’s me, NO, it’s him

I’m jumping off the deep end, where I’ll drown if I don't swim

Alone, I’m in this alone:

Desperately wanting to safely come home

But at home, Darkness and pain are what I’ve known.

Facade and appearance are everything

I’m dying inside, no one’s listening.

With smiles, you can’t see the pain they mask.

Robin Williams made everyone laugh,

No one knew, the pain he hid away from the world.

We accept our light more than we accept our dark.

Loved ones tell you, "suck it up"

They don’t understand,

All I want is for someone to hold my hand.

And say I’ve got you, up or down, wrong or right,

I’ve got you and I’m not letting you go without a fight.

Breathing, I’m barely breathing

Looking for a reason to hold on,

A glimmer of HOPE: Hold on pain ends

But the fear keeps you paralyzed, stuck.

WAKE UP,

I don’t want to wake up,

The reality of it all is far too much.

“I wanted to die,”

Then I realized here’s why

I’m tired of living with this pain,

It’s driving me insane.

Make it stop, please make it stop.

You hurt me yet I forgot,

Now, I’m hurting me

The initial pain wasn’t self-inflicted

Wounds, unhealed often reveal our best-kept secrets.

Because what is dark, shall always come to light.

Once more, I need to win this fight.