A Lingering (depression)

An all-consuming sadness that swallows you whole. A depression so deep with no words quite descriptive enough to capture the essence of it.

The tears come and go but there is an underlying sadness that lingers. I so desperately want it to end, the immense sadness.

I couldn’t stop the tears from coming or the feeling in my chest felt as if someone was pressing on my heart

and it might implode.

I desperately want to believe that there is more to my life than this despair with fleeting moments of happiness.

I feel as if I am suffocating. This is not supposed to be my life. I

am caught in a wave, brought to the surface but only for a moment before I am pulled back under again.

No one knows just how deep the sadness goes:

I feel I might break.

So what is it that keeps me going?

This unending hope lives within me.

I have always believed there has to be more than this.

More to life than this God-awful depression.

I have caught glimpses of beauty amongst the pain.

The blissful feeling that comes after the mania and depression subside.

There is a glimmer of hope, as I call it, light leaking through the darkest of times.

That is what keeps me going. I feel such a sense of vulnerability as I sit here writing this.

I hope there is more to me, that I can and will be more than this.

At the same time, there is this fear, I am afraid that I will not ever amount to much more than I have.

Life is short, death is absolute. Tomorrow is not promised to me or anyone else for that matter.

What if I am gone before I can make something of myself?

I have to stop myself there because every day that we wake up and we make a choice to go on living despite our pain we have already won.

We are fighting a war within ourselves that may seem like a walk in the park to some.

I do not want to continue hiding what I have believed to be my lesser parts.

I want to embrace each part of myself just as I hope those of you reading this will too.

We are manic and magic. We can cultivate change. We can create life!

Why not create the lives we dream of? Why not dare to believe in ourselves?

As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Believe you can and you’re already halfway there.”

Therefore, let us bet on ourselves. No more self-limiting beliefs. If I can pick myself up time after time

and keep moving despite the darkness and despair, so can you!

Let us be the change. I believe in you. Now it is time for you to believe in yourself too. I

want you to do something for me:

Create a list of short-term and long-term goals.

Write them down, be specific and give yourself a date to reach them by. Then put them away.

Revisit them a year from the day you wrote them down.

You may have not reached them at the exact time frame you allowed yourself, and that's okay.

The important thing is that you reach them at some point.

Maybe you may need to revisit and reset the dates which by the way is more than okay too.

Give yourself grace. Love & Light Darlings