Life Lately:Unfiltered update

It’s happening again. The bouts of depression, the mania; mixed episodes,

Life with Bipolar disorder type 1:

There are mornings when I don’t want to wake up, But I pry myself out of bed, carry myself through the day, and come home needing to sleep,

Only there is so much needed to be done before I can lay my head to rest.

Then the nights come when I cannot sleep much or at all: Ruminating thoughts plague my mind.

Life has been a bit heavy lately.

I’m fighting with myself again, remembering the wars I started in my own life while I was struggling to find peace amongst my demons:

“You try so hard to drown it out, But the noise is deafening,

Wanting the silence so badly,

Your mind is dissipating.” - The sun sets on you

It’s 4:54 am on Sunday,

I need to be asleep yet something, or rather, a collective of things is tugging at me, fighting to reach the surface.

I keep pushing it down, all of it. Sacrificing one necessity over the other. There’s no time to sit and lick my wounds. There is no time to heal because life is happening 24/7:

Working full time: 9-5 and being a single momma, taking care of my day-to-day responsibilities, therapy, commuting, sleeping, eating, breathing, etc.

I'm drowning,

There are moments of sweet bliss but overall, I’m caught under wave after wave.

It’s been near impossible to find a balance that works well for me since giving birth a year and a half ago.

No one understands me.

At times, I don’t understand or recognize myself.

I frequently show a different side to others, a smiling one.

While on the inside, I’m sad and crying.

Pretending is exhausting:

Why can’t ONE person truly see me, understand me, and accept me?

The reality of it all: The unfiltered truth is: that ONE person needs to be me, only it’s not.

Deep down, I loathe myself. I cannot remember a time when I haven’t wished to be someone else, to be different: less of one thing, more of another.

I have not arrived there yet and that’s okay or that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Honestly, it feels far from okay for me.